Let's be honest. Who among us was never looking over their damn shoulder all the time? It's the nature of being human. I mean it's probably the first real important thing we learn; we are gifted with life but at the cost of knowing that there is this skeletal looking dude in black robe and hood carrying a scythe who's been stalking each and everyone of us since the day we were born.
It's a very somber thing to realize that, in truth, life is always going to be more like being in a witness protection program than not. I think it may be the reason why a lot of us identified with the Ray Liotta character in the movie GoodFellas. I mean the DeNiro and Pesci characters were pure douchebags. So was the Henry Hill character actually, but damn what a perfect metaphor for the sinful nature of mankind. I mean we all got a hitman chasing us. I think most of the stupid things that we do happens because we are pretending that we don't.
I ain't going to go all earth shaking on you with these ten things. Like, I ain't going to come up with a cure for cancer or anything like that, or demand world peace, or any of the big ticket items. I mean that stuff evidently is all part of a bigger plan that may involve the concept of figuring it out for ourselves, and I don't want to pretend that I understand the workings of that plan in the least.
In the first place, I don't want be God or a god. I would only take on the responsibility in pinch, like if it came down to me doing it, and it not getting done, and I look over and see Satan holding back Hitler, Charlie Manson, and Pol Pot and trying to get them act all calm while the decision was being made.
I wouldn't want to be like the Atlas kind of God who has to carry the weight of all creation on his shoulders. I see myself more like a substitute, a bosun type, someone who holds the pilot's wheel at night when the real Captain is taking a nap during calm seas.
I'll leave all those heavy things to someone with a higher pay grade. I don't want come off sounding like a congressional car salesman, a rich Hollywood celebrity or one of the terminably woke.
If you notice all ten have a common theme in that most of them are somewhat facetious and they all are designed to make you think about life in the modern world. I know that there might be some serious flaws in all of the ideas, but that's ok; it's not like I'm God or nothing. In fact, I'm jotting them down on a worn and well-used etch-a-sketch before even touching the keyboard.
THE TOP TEN NON BINDING COMMANDMENTS
1) We would get to the bottom of the Kennedy assassination. A lot of the problems of modern America hinge on that fateful moment in 1963. It's about time don't you think?
2) Any journalist who gets caught lying would automatically lose his/her job. You can't report the news and lie, the concepts are polar opposites. If you get caught lying and try to say it was for the greater good you not only get banned from news reporting, you also have to become a television critic for a period of not less than five years.
3) Politicians would be mandated to participate in any program that they mandate for others.
4) Ice Cube would receive a Presidential Medal of Freedom Award for creating the Friday movies and then made aware that there are 49 other Fridays in a year that need to be explained.
5) The Disney Channel would have to write a final episode of Hannah Montana detailing how Hannah became a drug abusing, sexually promiscuous young woman. What can I say? That transition was way too jarring. They (whoever?) hid that key moment of that decision too. When was it that Hannah/Miley decided to sell her soul for fame, fortune, and the almighty dollar. I think that people would be surprised that it might have been made a lot earlier than people think and maybe it wasn't even her that got to make it. All the scuzzy stuff might have been the reaction rather than the cause.
Hannah's fans need the closure. And the rest of need to understand that it would be easier to pull pearls out of a pig's ass than to find true innocence in a place like Hollywood where it only seems to last about as long as it takes to get fitted for a mini-thong and a sticker price.
6) The people who created Keeping Up with the Kardashians would be forced to binge watch every episode in a single weekend. They would be getting off light; they would have been put on a elevator and charged with setting up projectors and movie screens in the Rec room of that other place except some of the episodes were so bad that they actually made a valid point or two.
After they watched the episodes, they would then instructed to run a toilet paper factory named Pure Crap Toilet Products where every word of the dialogue from those episodes would be imprinted on the sheets of toilet paper. The sisters would have to act in the commercials for the product, and Kris and the writers would be given Sisyphean task of creating something of true value out of the archival shit pile they created.
7) Everytime a Hollywood star starts going off on the idea how the us people in the middle need to be more empathetic and supportive of their look at me wonderfulness and then draws a standing ovation from the in crowd, a group of people dressed like the cast of Men in Tights would go through the crowd wearing Mother Teresa masks and relieve the assembly of all of their jewels, watches, money and credit cards. They would also take all of food, drink, tablecloths and placemats from the after parties and take them out to the homeless encampments on the outskirts of town and throw a big party out by the railroad tracks.
Joe Rogan would be on hand to pass out big gold stars to the people who shared a cup of coffee, a sandwich or an anecdote or two with someone who might have smelled like piss but had a smile that could shed light in the shadows of an underpass even though he/she only had three functional teeth in their whole head.
These words of John Prine would be imprinted smack dab in the middle of the gold stars:
For pity's a crime
And it ain't worth a dime
To a person who's really in need
The masked ones would also, in fairness, leave the stars and celebrities with a truck load of Coors Light, fifty of them big cans of pork and beans (with weiners), a tall stack of paper plates, a couple hundred plastic sporks and a CD player with some CDs of the Peter, Paul, and Mary, The Kingston Trio, Pete Seeger and Rage Against the Machine.
8) I would move the US Congress out into a empty warehouse on the southside of Fresno and make them share offices made out of collection of rusty delivery trucks and old semi-trailers. They would only get six bathrooms, all outdoors, so that they would have to learn to share and work together. They would have to use the unread pages of them 10,000 page bills as toilet paper.
The cast from The Walking Dead and the Purge movies would be housed in the Capitol building and the Washington lobbyists would not be told about the switch.
While Congress was in session at the warehouse, we would check one by the one the financial records of every member in front of the whole body. Anyone found cheating would be dropped through a hole in the floor via a trapdoor. Every time the trapdoor opened the sounds of maniacal screaming and whips cracking would flood the chamber. In reality, the corrupted would have to strip to down their underwear, coat themselves with sunscreen and jelly beans and have to watch 48 straight hours of Beavis and Butthead episodes without falling asleep.
All of the members, innocent until proven guilty, would be given one chance to come clean before their records were examined, and if they did, they could walk out of the the front door with a three day head start and train ticket to Bakersfield and/or Stockton.
After three days, a posse composed of Tommy Lee Jones, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Russell Crowe would be unleashed with the task of tracking them down and bringing them back where they would have to watch Gigli and The English Patient and Cats back to back as penitence.
The guiltless would be praised on The Ellen Show and invited to the premier of Cube's new movie Good Friday and given free popcorn, diet soda and hot dogs.
9) I would stage a tag team debate between Victor Davis Hanson/ Jordan Peterson and Stephen Colbert/Chris Cuomo. The Davis/Peterson duo would have to complete the New York Times crossword puzzle during the debate to make things a little more even. The money raised would go to establish the Samuel Clemens Chair of Journalistic Ethics at Columbia University.
Colbert and Cuo...., Sorry, I mean the losers of the debate would have to take turns acting as Master of Ceremonies at Gobblers Knob in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania every Groundhog's Day for the next ten years. Punxsutawney Phil would get first billing on the captions on all the souvenir pictures.
10) All the world's priests, religious leaders, and the professors of theology at every major university together would collaborate on a databank assembled to explain how to get mankind back to the Garden of Eden. The accumulated knowledge would be placed in an easily accessible online file with the password 1234.
Next, every sexually themed video of Miley Cyrus, Britney Spears, Rihanna, Shakira, Thunder From Down Under, Backstreet Grown Ass Men, Hugh Hefner's private collection of pictures, Bill Clinton's pick-up lines, and Errol Flynn's fantasies would be placed in a similar online account with the password sexy.
I would then take all the gold in Ft. Knox to Las Vegas and bet the over and under on which collection would be accessed the most. I would donate all the money from the winnings to fixing the potholes in Tulare County's back roads, blowing Oak Island off the face of the earth, voice lessons for Courtney Love and Yoko, and cloud seeding the skies over Burning Man.
Finally, I would go on Bill Maher's show to discuss the results. The first time he said something remotely smug, which he would because he can't help it, I would start to do that Darth Vader remote choking thing, but only for a tiny little bit until he got the point.
I reckon it would take about six days to set these plans in motion, by that time, I would be ready for a nap myself. Being god is a lot harder than it looks.