Short Story: Pumping Irony

      "Shut the hell up, you stupid B#@&! I wasn't even looking at you. You're freaking crazy!"

    The woman, already visibly angry, lost all control at being called a b$%#, "At least, I'm not some pervy, muscle bound dumb ass jock who uses his gym membership to scope out hot, young, women while they're exercising!"

      "Hot! Girl? You a five at best! You know what that means, don't you? You average! You a mediocrity on your best day and probably one them crazy, narcissistic hoes who thinks that everybody else is staring at them. And you call yourself a girl. I bet you in your mid- thirties with a couple kids. If I was trying to pick up a hot girl in a gym, I damn sure wouldn't be wasting my time looking your way."

     The woman sneered sarcastically, "I didn't say everyone. I only said that you were, and I said it because you were checking me out. You waited until I started doing squats then peeked over here. Don't believe me? I'll show you the evidence! I sat my camera up to catch you guys in the act. I'll show you."

    "You sat the camera up? Hell, I walked in after you did." He stopped for a second to think and then quickly arrived at the conclusion, "Aha! You were already in here when I came in. Aha! You sat your camera up in order to get trap some dumbass so you could capture it own your phone. You're one them crazy ladies who likes to post up videos pretending to be offended!"

    The woman, realizing she'd been caught red-handed, started to stutter out a defense but only managed a very weak, "You don't know what you're talking a........" Then she looked down toward the ground and noticed that he had placed his own cell phone behind his back pack pointing directly where she was currently standing." Look! Your camera is pointing right at me. You wanted me to accuse you! You're one of those sick dudes who trigger women into reacting so you can video and try to make them look foolish!"

    It was at this point, the manager of the gym, a tall, Matthew McConaughey lookalike in an Adidas warm-up suit, came over the the scene and immediately set about trying to sort things out between the man and the girl. The man and the woman had calmed down considerably but still talked over each other in their efforts to tell him a version of even that, however fabricated, presented them in the best light. He wasn't having any of it though and made them speak, slowly one at a time. Afterwards, he thought about what they had said and then looked at their strategically planted cameras and understood what was happening right away.

     "This is fucking disgusting. Both of you should be totally ashamed of yourselves! What complete asses you are. You're just hypocrites. Just think about how your selfish actions reflect on others. In trying to get a few likes on your web page, you greatly diminish the problems that people are being going through on a daily basis. People see your shit and greatly diminish the real problems in our society that make life a hell of lot harder for the rest of us. Here, I want you to get your stuff get your stuff and get the hell out of my gym!"

     The manager bent over and grabbed the guy's packpack and tossed it toward him. Next, he went and got the girl's phone and handed it to her. He then pointed them toward the exit. Shamefaced, they both stumbled across the cluttered gym floor. The bright light of the sun outside entered the slightly dimmer light of  room as the door opened and then shut snapped shut behind them. As the manager began walking toward the desk, his slightly paunchy, balding, and bespectacled assistant came around the counter to question him on what had just happened.
 
     "Damn, Donny, you toasted them fools. That little speech you gave almost caused me to start tearing up. Hell, that lady was  damned near crying and that musclebound idiot's face was as red as a cherry."

      "Shit, I'll bet you that shame they felt probably lasted till the moment they got outside of the door. In fact, they'll probably be setting up their little scam inside of another gym in less than an hour."

        "You really think they're serial offenders?"

        "No, more like serial offendees!"

       "Offendees! Ha ha! That's a great one! You think that one up yourself?"

       Donny nodded, "Yep. Just now when you asked me that question." He pushed through the small, swinging gate to get behind the counter, but stopped suddenly and turned back to the trailing assistant."Did you get it all?"

       "Yep, every bit of it. I had it posted before the door shut behind them. It's really gonna make the gym come off looking great too. Like we really got ethics or something."

        They chuckled at the observation.